Sleep

sleep

i need sleep

laying down in quiet darkness;  protected from the world outside and turmoil within

soft pillow and softer blanket reaching out for me, beckoning, promising peace, a respite from toil and strife

but it is not to be

moments after my head has found its niche in the softness of my pillow, and the blanket has enveloped me within its folds

i'm starting to feel secure - 

i am hit with a weapon of flame, there is no escape

turmoil startles me and peace flees

arrows, without thought, are being flung at me

stealing my security and stirring up thoughts that will keep me from

sleep

i need sleep

An Unwanted Journey

Life moves along at a steady pace and after days and weeks and months and years of a certain pattern, I got lulled into thinking the pattern of our days would continue on the same way.

What a rude awakening I had when that rhythm was interrupted. Not by some disaster, nor anything traumatic. It was a simple decision by my husband to stop paying our mortgage in January of last year. Quietly done, yet after a few months irreversible, and the constant phone calls were a very noisy reminder of that decision. My name was on our mortgage, yet this was done against my wishes and I had no choice in how things would proceed.

Six months later, my husband announced that since we would be losing our home, he had decided to go ahead and retire from work at the end of the year. He is many years older than I am and I knew of his desire to stop working, but I had always hoped he would wait until retirement age, 65, when our children, or at least our middle two, were graduated from our homeschool. Instead, he would retire with a 17, 16, and 13 year old still home to school and support. Again, I had no voice in this decision.

The final blow came when I was warned that with our home being foreclosed on and his retirement approaching, I ought to prepare myself for a move back to our home town at the beginning of next year, 2012. No asking how I felt or what I thought.

To be fair, I must say that this was always our plan. We had moved here for his job, a move that I did not want to make then - leaving home, family, and everything I had ever known - to move to a strange place where I knew no one. And yet in so many ways this became home. Our daughter was born here. We made wonderful, lifelong homeschool friends here. Our children grew up here, with all of their memories of home based here, in this place that I didn't want to come. And finally, in our eleventh year here, we found a church, a body of believers to join. With love, fellowship, encouragement, and a beautiful Christian example they became our family. And now what had once been part of the plan was something unwanted. Something disrupting. Something to be dreaded.

My only real choice was: would I live out my faith in Christ as Savior and Ruler of all, or would I give in to the sadness, anger, and bitterness that seemed so natural.

Frustrated and Stagnant

If I had to describe my life recently it would be with the words frustrated and stagnant. All of my desires and moment by moment plans are frustrated through outside forces. I feel like a puddle in the middle of a field; there are lovely grasses and wildflowers all around me and the sunshine reaches me to warm me, but the sun's rays are just enough for algae to grow in me and not enough to evaporate my water. How long have I been this way? How much longer can I go on this way?

I can blame my frustration on others, their plans taking precedence over my own. The stagnation goes along with it. I feel stagnant because I haven't had the freedom lately to go and do and see and just BE. There is a dark grey cloud hovering always within view, blocking the sun and making my way murky.

What a picture.

I have to be honest, though, and realize that my frustration is truly caused by my own selfish heart which desires MY way above others, MY plans above others, and my frustration when my way is thwarted is simply my own lack of submission to the authorities and priorities that the LORD has set for me.

Am I really stagnant? Is there nothing I can do while I sit in this place and time? Again my eyes are clouded and blind because I am not able to fulfill MY own wishes, be creative and enjoying the warmth of the day in the way that I would prefer. There are nearly infinite ways that I can DO and CREATE and BE while in this place if I would simply adjust my attitude and my limited vision to be in line with my Father's; my wonderful, infinitely creative LORD.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.
Psalm 40:17

Bathroom Beauty

This is a before picture of my very unorganized bathroom counter. A few years ago I had the wonderful idea to set the basket in the corner in order to corral all of the items I use on a daily basis. It worked wonderfully . . . . for a while. Then at some unknown moment in time, the basket simply became a catch-all for anything and everything that we were too busy to put away or throw away. What an unattractive mess!

It has really been bothering me lately and I've been trying to think of more organized and attractive options for my stuff and this space. I had thought of a small shelving unit with cute baskets I could pull out when needed, but couldn't find what I had envisioned.

Today during a random stop by Tuesday Morning I found something I hadn't thought of, but was perfect - something practical and beautiful! After dinner, husband became engrossed with an editing project at the computer and I seized my chance. Daughter and I snuck my finds into the bathroom and quietly closed the door. After about an hour of cleaning, sorting, and organizing I now have a new, pretty bathroom to greet me each morning - - - -






Most used items (toothbrush, facial scrub, face cloths, and brush) are in the top box.

Next are cosmetics and nail polishes.

Third is all of our hair accessories: scarves, bands, barrettes, ribbons, etc.

And the bottom box contains blow dryer, curling irons, curlers, and extra brushes.

I'm smiling!

***Updated 2/12/11 to add: It has been over a week and my bathroom is still nice and clean! Everything in its' place - although a few items might have migrated from one box to another for convenience! I'm STILL smiling!

Frustrating

 

I’m trying to lose some weight. 

I need to lose a lot, but I just have a small goal for myself right now so that it doesn’t seem completely out of reach.  As always, the first day was hard, but the last few have been fairly easy.  I’m drinking well, not snacking at all, and have only had smaller,  regular meals.  Yet the scale stays the same,

Day.

After.

Day.

There’s one part of my brain that is rebelling (doesn’t it always!) and saying "How could you NOT be losing weight?  You were eating this, and that, and that and, oh yeah, that, too.  The numbers on the scale should be moving a lot faster!"   The logical side of my brain says that "You’re doing really well in controlling your eating and changing your focus  away from food.  Don’t worry about the numbers, you’re just at a plateau and if you keep doing what you’re doing, then soon enough the scale will show that.  Keep up the good work!"  I know that’s true.  It’s just .  .  . 

Frustrating.

This post originally published @ Homeschoolblogger.com/ButterandHoney

A Different Kind Of Life

For the next two weeks, the children and I will be working with our County Fair helping with all the things that need to be done. I decided to do it mainly for the boys, who have been feeling very cooped up lately and wanting to do REAL things, which I totally understand and know that they NEED in a way that daughter and I don't.

But, along with this working, we are getting a glimpse of another side of life that we don't experience very often.

It took me years, and I mean that literally, to realize that I NEED to be Home. I can't be going here and there throughout the day and maintain my sanity. I really need to be home in order to focus and, practically speaking, in order to do all that needs doing. We generally have one or two days a week where we are out with lessons, or errands, or playing with friends, or appointments (and I try to schedule things together - like a day that I know I'm already going to be out), but the rest of the time we are home.

So now and for the next two weeks, we will be gone virtually all day, every day. We are, in essence, seeing how most of America lives. Getting up early, having some breakfast even when you aren't hungry - not to mention awake yet - and getting basic chores done quickly before you have to be out the door. Coming in the door very late in the afternoon or well into evening and doing it in reverse - quickly check animals and laundry while throwing something together for dinner, which you are hungry for but almost too tired to eat, getting ready for the morning and then off to bed so you can do it all over again tomorrow.

No more out-of-the-way restaurants. No more fun in the pool. And no more days like this. Or this.

I can deal with it because it has an end. There's a date on the calendar which is the Last Day. Then we go back to our routine. Thankful that we can be quiet and slow and enjoy. But I grieve for those for whom constant running is normal.

I know, too, that I need to keep the LORD and scripture foremost in my mind so as not to get frazzled and to gracefully deal with anything and everything that happens. So, in addition to reading my Bible last thing at night and first thing in the morning, I've been having oldest son read out loud to us as we drive to the Fairgrounds. This morning I had him read Psalm 139. Oh, how it fed my soul! Please read it for yourself (HERE it is), but here is a highlight that just really spoke to my heart this morning:

O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. Psalm 139:1-10

I hope that wherever you are at, that you are seeking the LORD while he may be found and that your mind is stayed, fixed, on the only one who gives perfect peace.

In The Moment

I feel like I'm drowning.

My house is a mess, I have so many projects out and half done (adding to the chaos), party planning for my mother is moving along with more things on my to do list, I have several dates coming up on my calendar with an assignment for me attached to each of them -- I was so desparate this morning that I actually cancelled schoolwork for the day in order for us all to work and gain some control over the raging white waters that my life seems to be right now.

Then the phone rang. . . . . It was the dentists' office asking if we were coming in for our appointments this morning. Of. Course.

The children run to get dressed while I can't find my keys. Looking, looking, I'm about to give up and call back to cancel when on the way to the phone I spy my keys laying on the bed where they blend in beautifully with the comforter. Get. In. The. Car. Now.

We arrive one person short. My Angel is in school two cities away. Because I totally forgot about the appointment. We go to the dentist en masse so that we only have to make one trip and because we all like to visit with the dentist and his wife who works as the dental hygenist twice a week. (We always schedule on her days.) Everyone is so sweet when we get there - no "You're Late" looks or anything. And Mrs. Dentist, who is the only one who cleans Angels teeth, makes room in her schedule so that she can see him tomorrow.

I'm first with Mrs. Dentist while the boys head off to the room across the hall with another hygenist. It's the first quiet I've had all morning, sitting in the chair while she finishes setting up, the children are all across the hall watching Meerkat Manor while younger son gets his teeth cleaned. What do I do? I start crying. Yup. Right in the dentists chair with Mrs. Dentist hovering and flitting and chatting.

Do you know what happened next?

She asked if she could pray with me. Yes. Please. A moment of calm and peace and the sharing of a burden. What a treasure. She shared from her heart exactly what I was thinking in mine - life gets frustrating and overwhelming when we try to do it within our own power and do not seek time and direction from the LORD.

I was able to breathe again - to just simply take a deep breath and let it go - the mess, the projects, the list, the dates - everything. Just sit and breathe and not worry about the next moment. The LORD holds all in his hands. Ten minutes ago is past. I can't change it. Ten minutes from now is the future. The only thing I control about the future is how I approach it.

The most important moment of your life is the one you're living right now.

Thank you LORD for a life ring in the storm and a reminder that I need to choose to seek you every moment. Seek ye the LORD while he may be found; call ye upon him while he is near. Isaiah 55:6

Guilt and Grace

We all trekked to the courthouse early this morning for my angel's Conservatorship hearing. Praise in that all went quickly and smoothly and I was granted all the powers that were requested.

While we were in the halls waiting for our turn, though, we witnessed several men in chains being escorted through the courthouse. One of them struck me because he was not alone with the deputy. A woman I assumed to be his mother was walking along with him. A few minutes later she came walking back down the hall alone, visibly emotional, and hurried out the nearest exit. Then it occured to me that each of those men was a son, a grandson, a nephew, a brother, and maybe even a husband to someone who loved them and thought they were special. Someone who was worried about them. Someone who was hoping that they would be able to turn their lives around.

After we were home and having lunch, the children and I had a chance to talk about those men. In chains. Guarded and looked upon with suspicion. "Be sure your sin will find you out." Numbers 32:23

We talked about how they were someone's family. I told them that the world may look upon these men as guilty and worthy of being punished. The world may also look at us and think we are a nice family who does nice things. Innocent, if you will. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

How would the LORD look at us? "And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually." Genesis 6:5

In the eyes of the LORD, we are all guilty. All worthy of judgement and punishment and death. We, each of us, are walking around in chains. Except when we are seen through the blood that was shed for us. The blood of the sacrifice. The blood of the Lamb. Jesus Christ.

I am thankful that this issue of conservatorship for my son is behind me.

But my eyes fill with tears of joy as I am brought to my knees in gratitude and thanksgiving for something of much greater worth -- the salvation and grace I have received from the LORD my God.

Clean Counter and Guacomole

As promised for Get-Real Monday, here is my cleaned off counter! It wasn't too hard, just a few minutes work and putting things actually where they belong. Go figure! The hard part will be keeping it this way! Certainly a daily task.

I haven't done the kitchen table yet -- That won't be finished until we get the outside beds done and can plant our seedlings.

We are planning on using Square Foot Gardening (more info here) since it requires so little space and uses that space to the best advantage.

And - once the counter was cleaned off, look what happened!

Daughter got her stool and her favorite cookbook and made some guacomole for she and Dad!

What a treat!

(This is the Mom and Me Cookbook from DK. We love the simple instructions and all the great pictures.)

Get Real Monday . . . A Day Late

Yes, yes, I'm a little late with this. If I didn't do something because it was late, I wouldn't get anything done! Get it? In other words, even if it's late, it is still worth doing well. ;-)

I really like the theory behind Get Real - on the web, we choose the perfect items with the perfect backdrop and the most enhancing lighting, possibly leading to the impression that we have a perfect home and/or life. NOT true! We are all human, some have it a bit more organized and together than others, but we all have a weak spot. Or two. Or five.

For my "Get Real" spot for Randi's Spring Clean Edition I had to choose my kitchen. It is the most used room and the room that seems to 'catch' all the stuff from anything that goes on in the house. And I will admit that the biggest offender (read- owner of most of the stuff/clutter) belongs to ME!

This is a picture of my kitchen table. Obviously we don't eat in the kitchen. We couldn't. When Husband first brought this table home, it was perfect, beautiful, and endeared visions of sitting by my window and reading, studying, or sipping Chai. Let's take a good, close look at reality.

Okay - going around clockwise from bottom left corner, we have: apron, sweater, sweatshirt and purse hanging from chair; other chair is piled with sewing box and dresses that are still in progress and a loaf of bread (??); on that edge of table are various scraps and WIP's from my felt stuff along with a punchneedle project that I bought and opened but don't have time to do yet; my lovely flower pot which is supposed to brighten the table, but which is lost amidst all the clutter; a bag of patterns that are in line to be used and our poor little knocked over scotty dogs; an empty box of Cadbury Chocolate Eggs with a bunny inside; and in the middle of the table all of our little greenhouses for starting our garden seedlings. Also, in the big picture above you can see our ice chest and box of foodstuffs still waiting to go camping, alongside husband's soda and the remains of the chicken feed in the sack which wouldn't fit in our bin.

This is what I face everytime I walk in my kitchen. Reminders of projects that need finishing, projects past that need to be cleaned up, and the promise of summer bounty - along with the reminder that we need to hurry up and get the outside ready for these little guys that are fast outgrowing their greenhouse.

My other spot is also in the kitchen. Kitchen counters seem to be a great Hot Spot for collecting clutter. We only have three small squares of counters in our kitchen, you would think I could work a little harder to keep them clean, but this one is at the edge and is where everyone puts everything just because it is near the traffic lane - the busy spot of the house.

Pencils, markers, stuffed animals, packing tape, bible, treasure box, wrappers from our greenhouses (see photo above ;-), pitcher, miscellaneous Tupperware, cups, empty water bottles, napkins, picture frame, used cilantro (i.e. stems in a bag), sunglasses, Tootsie Roll bank, solar reflector, bookends, and more that I don't even want to think about! I will get it cleaned up. I will. I WILL!

After we get back from camping. Promise. ;-)

Remembering . . . .

Every once in a while we need to stop and just take a few moments to remember the past, the changes we've gone through, the places we've been, the trials and joys we faced. I think it really helps me appreciate where I am now in my life so much more.

Well, today was just such a day for DearSon2. I could hear it in his voice and see it in his face - he needed a time to remember. So after dinner was cleaned up, we got out the old home movies and watched each child's special tape. Oh, to see those precious faces so little and hear those sweet voices again. First birthdays, playing in the tub, singing songs, aunts, uncles, cousins, and a walking, talking grandma holding and caring for them who is now largely confined to her chair and limited to the simplest of answers because of Alzheimers. To see them running on beaches, collecting feathers, jumping on beds, riding a bike for the first time. And all of the laughter as we watch and remember. It feeds the soul to remember those times of being together and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were . . . and are . . . loved.

Even more important is taking the time to remember the LORD's faithfulness in our lives.

Paul says in Philippians that he is "forgetting what is behind" in order to press on toward the mark to win the prize of Christ Jesus. And how true that is - how many things do I need to forget? My many personal failings over the years, the unkind word of a loved one spoken in haste, the unkind tone that I used in haste, the selfishness, the lack of concern for a dear one, and so much more. All of this hinders me from reaching forth, from going forward. It keeps me stuck where I am with no real hope of ever changing the things that are.



How vital it is, though, to remember. Remember the word of life planted within me. Remember how the LORD's chastisement, mixed with patience and grace, have caused me to grow in so many ways. Remember the seas he has helped me to cross when my eyes could see no possible way across or around. Remember the faithful sisters-in-Christ that he has placed in my path, either in person, through a book or over the internet, that have opened my eyes to areas that the LORD would desire me to grow in, and fruits that need a little more fertilizer in my life in order that the harvest may be more abundant.

In the Old Testament of the Holy Bible the Israelites were continually commanded to remember. Remember the LORD's faithfulness. Remember the LORD's mercy. Build an altar here and set a stone there in order that they would remember. And most importantly, they must remember to tell their children so that the generations to come would remember the faithfulness and mighty deeds of the LORD their God. Yes, we must remember.

"Give thanks unto the LORD, call upon his name, make known his deeds among the people. Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him, talk ye of all his wondrous works. Glory ye in his holy name: let the heart of them rejoice that seek the LORD. Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually. Remember his marvellous works that he hath done, his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth." 1 Chronicles 16: 8-12

So after the movies were all watched the children were all given a kiss and an hug that lasted just a little bit longer than usual and was maybe a little bit tighter than usual. The "Good Nights" and "I Love You's" had just a little more meaning, too. But the sweetest part of all was DS2 poking his head around the corner with the light back in his eyes as he said, "Thank you, Mom."

(Originally published @ henandchicks.typepad.com)