Saturday, July 5, 2014

Life and other such banalities . . .

 .  .  .   .   .   .    in which I talk to myself and hopefully make some discoveries about life.

For the past few years I've felt like I was in a transition period.

So many things out of my control - I think that's the kicker there, control.  I had to no control over my husband retiring early (while we still had three children in school); no control over his decision to move; no control over my time when there was so much that had to be done and no one else to do it.  Now I have several new issues of control in my life and am really having to face the fact that I Have NO Control Over Things Outside of Myself.

Why do I feel in such transition?

Transition:  passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another :  a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

This definition makes it clear that all of life is a transition - so why am I feeling particularly in a state of flux?  Why do I feel so out of control?

responsibility.  lack of responsibility.  I like to point the finger and note how others are not living up to their responsibilities, but as I stop and think, reflect, I can see that as a reaction to all of these outside forces - I have given up the responsibility of my own actions.  I've not done the basic things that I'm responsible for.  It's been so easy, comforting even, to be in the role of hapless victim, being swept along by things outside of herself; but that's a lie and a deception.  I feel out of control because I have given up control over myself.  I've given in to being the victim.  I've given in to being the abused wife, the overwhelmed and misunderstood  mother, the poor church-goer who is so consumed with her own problems that she has not reached out to help others with theirs, the friend who is so busy considering her miserable state that she neglects those who can help her out of it.  Selfish.  Utterly.  Abandoned to it.

(a pause while I cry and take this all in.  .  .  )

Control: : to direct the behavior of (a person or animal) : to cause (a person or animal) to do what you want  : to have power over (something)  : to direct the actions or function of (something) : to cause (something) to act or function in a certain way

This is the real illusion, I think.  We - I think that I should be able to control people and situations.  How can I?  I can't control something as simple as conversation at the dinner table, how in the world do I think I can control how my children spend their time or how my husband treats me and talks to me.  When I try to influence or direct things, it usually ends up making things worse.

So what can I do?  How can I get to a place where I don't feel like I'm in flux each week, each month?

If I can't control others - if I can't control situations - if it seems like I can't even control the way my day progresses, then WHAT Can I control?

Here's the hard part now:

I CAN control my thoughts - the things that my heart ponders in the quiet

I CAN control the words I speak

I CAN control my attitude - influenced by thinking on right and good things instead of dwelling on the bad

I CAN control the tone of my voice - a conscious choice every moment

I CAN control my actions - am I busy with a purpose or am I neglectful and lazy

I CAN control my time - Purpose to be profitable and have a goal

I think these are more than enough for me to take responsibility for.